Pass Me The Salt
by Anpan Roller
Summary: All Toushirou wants is the salt, but the consequences of bringing the gang to a fancy restaurant finally gets to haunt Toushirou. Will he get his salt in the end?


It was one of those rare moments in his life. It was quiet and soothing, with the exceptions of the faint classical music playing in the background. The only other occasional sound was the clinking of metal against glass, and the small hushed conversations in the other tables. As for his? It was perfectly silent, no one uttering a single syllable that threatened to embarrass the hell out of him, just the way it should be. He still had his doubts, but right now, he would just take it that the heavens finally took pity on him and decided to make up for his demise by presenting this brief period of paradise to him.

Toushirou sent another bite of the exquisite cuisine into his mouth, chewing delicately, as a civilised man (or boy, but he'll just get angry if we call him that, so let's stick with man) would. He stole another glance at the unlikely scene laid out in front of him.

Hinamori was nibbling refinedly on her steak, although she struggled with the knife and fork trying to slice the tough steak. Rangiku on the other hand had a much better control over her cutleries, mainly because she was simply having a salad (and a very expensive one, mind you). Toushirou caught sight of her gazing longingly over at Ikkaku's plates - a very swollen lobster and a giant slab of tuna with sauce poured over it. Well, she has only herself to blame, who asked her to be on a diet anyway? But in any case, she's NOT going to be ordering another plate if she got hungry. Ikkaku, the man with an endless pit for a stomach, has already called for two main course, specifically the ones with the largest chunk of meat he can find. Toushirou swears, if he ever dares to call for the waiter again that shining dome of glory of his is going to be covered in ice and fed to the lobster's mother. Yumichika was apparently entranced by the skillfully carved _carrots_. Yes, the carrots are very interesting and all but the whole point of the dish was obviously the meat, which Toushirou assumed he had forgotten about.

A sigh escaped from in between his lips, concluding that it was a terribly decision to look at them. As if it was all a very bad prank, his memories cruelly reminded him of why those brainless barbarians were here in the first place.

_"Ooh! What's that, Taichou?" Rangiky peeked over his shoulder, her boobs thoughtlessly spilling over as usual._

_"Ah," Toushirou shrugged his shoulders, pushing her and her boobs away. Pfft, adults and their boobs. "It's nothing." He furtively sneaked the coupons in his hand inside his sleeves._

_Rangiku pouted. "But I did see something Taichou! Why didn't you want to let me know?"_

_Irritation was apparent on his face. "It's nothing, I said nothing so it's noth- Hey! Hey! Stop it!"_

_Rangiku had already crept in front of him and forced her hands into his sleeves. Toushirou tried writhing away, but sadly, he lost to the power of boobs."Ah!" Rangiku's eyes lit up upon the sight of the coupon. She read, "10000 yen discount? Let's go together, Taichou!" She slid her arms into his and tugged him out of the headquarters._

_"Hang on! I didn't say I'd bring you!" He retorted, contemplating whether or not to chew his arm off in times of crisis like this._

_Just then he spotted Yumichika and Ikkaku strolling along. Thank goodness! "Hey! Ikkaku, Yumichika!" He called across the room. "Tell Matsumoto I'm not going to bring her to the restaurant."_

_Ikkaku and Yumichika's ears twitched, and promptly ambled over. "Hey, Matsumoto-san. What're you up to?" Yumichika started, ignoring Toushirou._

_"Oi, I asked you to save me, not..."_

_Rangiku replied gaily, "Hi Yumichika, hi Ikkaku! Hitsugaya-Taichou's just bringing me over to a really fancy restaurant! Wanna join us?"_

_"Oi!! I didn't say I'm gonna bring you there! And don't invite others when you're not the one paying the bill!"_

_Ikkaku grinned widely, "That seemed like a great idea! The 11th Division has been eating crap for dinner recently, if this goes on I think our tastebuds will just run away."_

_Yumichika flipped his jet black hair in a way which annoys Toushirou, "I can't wait to finally eat something as beautiful as I."_

_"Hang on you two! I didn't say you can join EITHER!!"_

_The poor Toushirou remained being ignored until he noticed Hinamori skipping towards them. "Finally! Hinamori! Tell them they can't go with me to the fancy restaurant!"_

_But Hinamori's ears only seemed to have caught on to the word 'fancy restaurant'. She shunpo-ed faster than he had ever seen in his life, her eyes sparkling at him, "Really? I can go, Shiro-chan?"_

_Toushirou almost wanted to just mess up her hair, in a reeeeally evil way, "Wait a second! Nobody even ASKED you!"_

_Unfortunately his pleas for help went unnoticed as the group began gushing about fancy restaurants - apparently a place they have never been to in their lives. Bless their money-less, not-Taichou souls. Finally Toushirou had no choice but to give in (he swears he's so going to get himself a lawyer the next time he receives a discount voucher), on the condition that they behave themselves and act civilised. Of course, the deprived Shinigamis immediately agreed, _

And so he was stuck with them this evening. But everything seemed to be going smoothly so far, in contrast to his belief. He instinctively reached out his hand for the salt, his dish tasted a bit bland. But the tray was located far from him, at least, not within his short arm's reach. Curse this long table. Curse him not growing up fast. Curse this bland food.

"Hinamori, can you pass me the salt?" Toushirou requested.

Hinamori jolted up, seeming to be pleased to be distracted from her mind-boggling challenge. "Sure," She smiled and handed the small bottle to him.

Toushirou sent another bite of the now-salted food into his mouth. "Bleagh!" He instinctively blurted out, immediately drawing looks from the other tables. He nodded to apologise, before hissing at Hinamori, "I asked for salt! Not pepper! You know I hate spicy stuff!"

Hinamori cringed a little at the sudden scolding. She muttered an apology, and reached for the other can in front of her, presumably the correct one.

"Hang on," Rangiku's hand swiped out, stopping Hinamori. "You're not going to let men bully you, Momo. You must be strong."

Toushirou furrowed his brows, pissed enough that he had embarassed himself already. "Just give me the salt," he groaned, sticking out his open palm.

Hinamori's eyes darted between Rangiku and Toushirou's hand. Yumichika took this chance to butt in, "No, Momo-chan. Don't give in to men and their ridiculous demands."

Toushirou gritted his teeth, "Stop trying to worsen the situation, Yumichika. Besides, aren't you supposed to be on men's side?"

Yumichika merely tittered, "I'm on beauty's side."

Toushirou had to restrain himself from slapping his face with Ikkaku's monster tuna, the tuna was too expensive to be used like that. Ikkaku suddenly announched, "Tch! It is we men that define you females..." he turned to Yumichika, "And you. Without us the world would have been a place with peace and love!"

"Thanks for standing up for me Ikkaku, but that would be beside the point, and isn't it _good _to have a place with love and peace?" Toushirou muttered, sarcastic.

Ikkaku stood up, stomping his foot on the exotic chair. "Wait, Ikkaku, get your bloody foot off that chair! That thing's worth more than your salary in 10 years!" Toushirou demanded discreetly, having noticed the nosy stares of the other diners in the restaurant.

Ikkaku snorted and plastered his face right in front of his, so near it exceeded the limits of uncomfortable and revolting, especially when he's a guy, a bald guy with lobstuna (a word Toushirou made up from 'lobster' and 'tuna') breath. "With love and peace there would be no fight. With no fight there would be no joy, no fun, no purpose in life! Then what good is it to exist?" He chided, before poking hard at Toushirou's chest - something which made him want to stick the fork in his eyes. "You, are a man. Someone who fights! We've got to show those girls who are in charge!"

Toushirou slapped his hand away in rising irritation. "Get back down on the chair, Ikkaku! Besides, that is not the point right now. The situation at hand is I'M TRYING TO GET THE FREAKIN' SALT!" He yelled, in a hushed tone of course.

Rangiku pouted and rose up as well. "Oi, Matsumoto, you get back down too!" Toushirou tried, but failed miserably. She pointed at Ikkaku crossedly, "What do you mean show us who's in charge! This is the 21st century! In the real world everybody's equal!"

Ikkaku snorted somemore. "Pffft, I don't even think I can count my age! So how am I supposed to know how many years has it been in the real world?"

Toushirou slapped his forehead, muttering, "Will you two please... just get back down." There were hints of defeat in his words. Everybody were staring at them like they were a bunch of escaped elephants from the zoo right now.

"Haha! Baldie-chan can't count!" A familliar voice resounded. Toushirou, dreading, turned his head slowly towards the direction of the voice. True enough, the pink-headed girl perched on the scary-looking Zaraki (Toushirou sometimes still gets frightened by Zaraki, even though he doesn't admit it) stood just outside the window, waving joyfully at the people inside.

"Ah!" He jumped, waving his finger frantically at them. "How the heck did you get past the security!"

Yachiru just gave a sly grin. "Ken-chan," she answered, as if that was all the answer Toushirou needed - he despised the thought of hearing it out in explicit details. Yachiru giggled again, turning to Ikkaku, "Ken-chan is considering sending you to counting school now, since you can't count."

Ikkaku's face fell. "What?" He protested. "But... But... But fighting has nothing to do with maths!"

Yumichika got up, patting Ikkaku's shoulder, breaking the news slowly to his friend, "Yes you do, Ikkaku."

"Yeah," Zaraki's gruffled voice came next. "You need to count how many opponents you defeated."

Hinamori cocked her head at Rangiku, "Is that so?"

Rangiku shrugged. "I suppose, Hitsugaya-Taichou didn't tell me that before though. Selfish Taichou," she whined.

Toushirou was rubbing his throbbing temples as he attempted to hide his now shameless face from the annoyed diners. "Can you guys just give it a rest already?" He quizzed, almost pleaded. "Ok, I don't want the salt anymore, is that ok now?"

As he'd predicted, the rest simply ignored him and continued with their conversations. A waiter marched over to the exhausted Taichou, "Sir, will you please..."

A commotion outside interrupted him. "Hey! Let go! I know one of them! Let go!" the sickening voice stirred in towards the room, vexxing Toushirou even more. He shut his eyes as he braced himself

"Yo! Hitsugaya-Taichou!"

For this.

He groaned. "Abarai, get back to Seireitei before I tell Kuchiki-Taichou..." He looked up to glare at him, before he saw what were glaring right back at him.

Renji, Ichigo, Rukia, Orihime, Ishida, Chad and even Byakuya were at the doorstep, most of them waving enthusiastically to him.

"Hello, Toushirou!" The Karakura gang greeted, while Rukia saluted him and Chad and Byakuya simply nodded.

Oh the humanity.

The returned to see the waiter shooting him strong looks of anger. "Sir," He started.

"I know, I know," He nodded frustratedly. But the problem is, those primates don't. He waited for the waiter to stomp away, before hissing at them, "What. the heck are YOU GUYS doing here? And even Kuchiki-Taichou too!"

Orihime skipped up to Rangiku, pointing out to him, "Matsumoto-san just texted us. She said that you're in trouble."

Toushirou's face remained scrunched up in confusion and anger. "So, we brought the salt you wanted," Ichigo added in, lifting the packet in his hand. All of sudden, his eyes widened and his jaws dropped. Instinctively he tossed the packet away and bolted out of the restaurant at the speed of light. Zaraki sprinted along, yelling for Ichigo to stop.

Ignoring the fracas, Toushirou reasoned, "Firstly, I'm not in any trouble. Secondly, I need the salt, from _here_. Thirdly, even if I needed salt from outside, do you guys need to come in such big groups?"

Ishida pushed up his glasses, retaliating with the same amount of logic in his voice, "Firstly, it was Matsumoto-san who told us you're in trouble. Secondly, we didn't know you needed the sodium chloride from the restaurant. Thirdly, we came in large numbers due to security, and Urahara-san charge us less if we travel in groups."

Toushirou's shoulders slumped in defeat. "And what about Abarai and Kuchiki-Taichou?" He eyed them, even though he did not really want to know.

"Rukia told me you'd be at a place that sells very good seaweed. I have come for the seaweed," Byakuya replied calmly.

"And I have come because I was bored to death!" Renji answered, seemingly proud of his reply.

"So, where do we get to seat?" Chad asked, in his deep voice that Toushirou grunted even more at.

Rukia beamed, pointing at an empty chair nearby, "Ah! There's some empty seats! We can sit there!"

The group rustled to the vacant table, chatting and laughing and completely ignorant to the annoyance of the rest of the restaurant. Their voice was so loud it was as though they were at a flea market, specifically those people who were yelling at other people to buy from their stalls. Ikkaku and Yumichika continued bickering about the importance of math in a fight, and Rangiku continued giving her motivational talk of never giving in to men to the very confused Hinamori. Those mesh of noises pricked at him, like an irritating mosquito buzzing at his ear. Toushirou almost tore his hair out. They grew louder and louder, noisier and noisier. Until...

"Urrrgh! It's just salt! That's it! What wrong have I done?" He roared, flailing his hands about. Everyone shut up, and looked up at him. "I. JUST. WANT. THE. FREAKING. SALT!!!!" He began stomping on the ground.

"Sir..." The waiter stepped in again.

Toushirou's death glare made him stop dead in his tracks. "You! Don't you dare 'sir' me! Tell the chefs it's all THEIR fault! THEY were the ones who made my food so bland! YOU tell the manager to fire those losers!"

"I..."

"Oh shut the hell up! What kind of restaurant made it so freakin' hard to just get some salt?? Tell your manager to make the tables shorter! Otherwise, I'm never stepping into this place again!" Toushirou could feel his veins bursting with rage.

The waiter opened his mouth, only to be stopped by Toushirou once more. "You know what? I'm NEVER stepping into this place again! No wonder you guys mailed me the discount voucher! It's because this place is crap! You mean I've got to use my life-savings to pay for this kind of saltless joke? DREAM ON!" With that, he shoved the stunned waiter aside, stomping out of the place.

The rest of his friends turned to look at each other in shock. Never had they seen the true fury of the ice captain. It was a wonder his ice have not yet melt. Just then a shadow loomed over them. Shivering, they looked up to see the enraged waiter, his eyes gleaming with wrath.

"Sirs and madams... Your bill."

* * *

Outside the restaurant, Toushirou heaved a sigh of relief. At least he wouldn't be the one to worry about the bill now. "Plus..." His lips tugged up into a victorious smile.

He sneaked out the dish in one hand and the can of salt in the other, relinquishing the delightful taste melting in his mouth.

* * *

**A/N:** So! Hope you guys liked it! It was just so much fun teasing Toushirou! XD But I hoped the ending made up for him. Don't feed me to the lobster mother, Toushirou! It was a little crappy in the middle, I apologise. But nevertheless I hope you guys enjoyed reading it!

Please don't forget to review! It would be very encouraging! Thank you!


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